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Every time I think of the word disaster, the clip of the Columbia shuttle launch plays over in my head - explosions, disintegrations. Yes, that would have to define disaster, I thought. It was only recently that I learned what disaster originally mean. Disaster comes from the French des astre which meant "to lose a star."

Losing a star meant being completely and utterly lost. Astronomers, navigators, travellers, they all looked to the night sky to find their way, and to lose a star, just one star, made the sky unreadable, alien. Disaster to those who looked to it in hopes to find what they needed to get where they were going.

Currently, this describes how I feel perfectly. My old journal sylphyde was named after the sylphide - the lead character in a ballet that dies when she loses her wings. Now I feel like I've lost mine. I've lost that magic, that spark, that part of me that just giggles uncontrollably when I so much as see my reflection. So the time came for leaving sylphyde behind.

So here I am now - des_astre.

"If you care, you just get disappointed all the time. If you don't care nothing matters so you are never upset."
-Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

I previously stopped writing in my LJ for a number of reasons. One of them was that not writing was a way of not reacting to things that hurt me, a way of not caring, I guess. It's made me grow so detached from a big part of the world, and I think that it's time that stopped. So here I am, trying to get back to the world, trying to find my way back. Trying to be again.

So until I find that star.

Kill me now. Please, just kill me now.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :(

Jess, I'm going to try my best to love like you. Wag mo sana akong bibitawan.

Jess, show me that love is more than enough.

EDIT: 05/17/09 9:45 PM

I realized today that I'd rather be invisible to you now. It feels better than knowing you're ignoring me. What hurts the most is that I deserve this so completely.

I like to make difficult choices. I like doing stupid things like breaking my own heart. Worse, I end up hurting others when I make these choices. But I like to think that my choices aren't made at a whim. I know that I chose what I think is right, what I think is best. It's painful. It's keeping me up tonight.

Jess. Tulong.

ily, b.

You've been filling my planner with so many happy days.

Thank you.

Happy 41st, Chompy!


post-christmas meme


1. Christa McAuliffe Bldg, 2. Bugaboo Smoked Baby Back Ribs, 3. cubao, 4. The green selfportrait revisited, 5. FightClub, 6. pink lemonade kinda day..., 7. PHOTOCAR EUROPE, 8. a delicious torch........., 9. '+ save the world', 10. Color Addict, 11. Christa, 12. ..Precious Things..

1. Answer each of the questions below using Flickr Search.
2. Choose a photo from the first three pages.
3. Copy the URL of your favorite photo into this site: http://bighugelabs.com/flickr/mosaic.php
4. Then share with the world.

1. First Name
2. Favorite Food
3. Hometown
4. Favorite Color
5. Celebrity Crush
6. Favorite Drink
7. Dream Vacation
8. Favorite Dessert
9. What I Want To Be When I Grow Up
10. What I Love Most In The World
11. One Word That Describes Me
12. My screenname

ateneo victory aside

I want to talk about someone I don't really openly blog about here on my LJ. Well, I normally don't primarily because he is a private sort of person, and other than that, I don't really enjoy making these kinds of posts public - it's all too exhibitionist for my taste. However there are times when you just can't help wanting to share wonderful things with the world, and he's my wonderful thing, and I don't want to share him, but I just have to publicly declare how wonderful it is that he's around.

the world has become a lonely place.

I just realized how disconnected I am from the world in general. I pretty much live inside my head. I need to get out of my head more. So guys, let's reconnect. Let's refresh. I miss y'all. I know I don't make enough effort, so I'm going to try harder. So let's talk okay?
You've taught me how to flinch.